They're aged now. With all the zing from aged soup you'll use less cheese. You're in the culinary ZONE!

I say $12. You're not going to go without peas and cheese.

"Hang In There, Baby" poster but the kitten is not in physical danger. It just feels overwhelmed with everything going on.

Declining a meeting request because I held on to some dandelion fluff and got carried away by a breeze

have a deal with the moon if we're both still single in 5 years

remember when people would write newspapers to ask for advice like “my husband doesn’t seem to want me anymore, what do I do?”
i’d be all, “put a can of cream of chicken soup in a poblano pepper, throw it in for 30 at 350, tell your asshole husband dinner is in the oven, and then leave forever.”

Just ate a taco to disprove the myth that you can only eat tacos on Tuesdays. I struck a blow against Big Taco Tuesday propaganda. It’s a moral & ethical point.
Also, because the first taco I ate was delicious but insufficient.
The second one was deffo for the principle, though. Totally.

[me being interviewed]

It’s not my goal to win awards, but it IS my goal to do award-worthy work. Does that make sense, Diane Sawyer?

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

My wife caught me sneaking Christmas music

will puke on your love rival's front door, just need £80, an oversized lasagne & an address

This isn't a handicap accessible room. The room reserved as handicap accessible. The room booked so I could shower while the well was being chlorinated, I cannot shower in. At least there's a microwave and coffee maker...ope. Ope.

please hesitate to reach out to me

If you follow me on Instagram:

I'm sorry about how many times I've shared that Gilmore Girls With A Bottle Of Josh, but I gots to keep it real.

(like in Stars Hollow)

Talk is cheep, if you're a small bird.

my hipster pup wants to dress up as a dog for Halloween
ironically of course

Who we are and who we love is not up to the government.

📍 Philadelphia, June 2024
📸 Hannah Beier

Bluesky taught me the joy of blocking. I block people everywhere now. I just blocked an ex boyfriend on duolingo. I can't stop.

Being kidless on social media means never having to say my baby liked my butthole joke

Here I come to make the situation worse... 🐼😊😊

The well has been chlorinated. I have a hotel room in Michigan. The crow flies at midnight. The curderburger is back at Culver's.

*powdered sugar poofing from my mouth* i don’t know who ate your donuts

Turning the crank on my sweatshirt to put the hood up

I want to see a senator in crocs. just one. for the people