Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

The Fishpants

@thefishpants.bsky.social

3.2K followers 2.8K following 680 posts

Obscure References, Fart Jokes and Swears* *ᵃⁿᵈ ᵒᶜᶜᵃˢᶦᵒⁿᵃˡ ˢᵘʳᵖʳᶦˢᵉ "ᵖᵉⁿᶦˢ" My Best Jokes (Allegedly): https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:c7efvddpc6qlokhzdkcpphwg/feed/aaaeubvvn5rcm All: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaahooxkl375u

bsky.app

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

The Fishpants @thefishpants.bsky.social · Nov 14

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

170 1.6K 8.7K

Reposted by The Fishpants

John Moe @johnmoe.bsky.social · 3d

When musicians don’t know how to end a song, they just fade out. I think other writers should do that too. Sketch comedy, screenwriting, playwrights. Have everyone talk softer and softer as they slowly sneak off stage.
Novelists can end chapters with gradually shrinking type.

160 240 2.5K

Reposted by The Fishpants

Merriam-Webster @merriam-webster.com · Aug 15

The SPEAKER implies.

The LISTENER infers.

The DUDE abides.

77 760 3.3K

Reposted by The Fishpants

Fun @funkelly.bsky.social · 7d

hey, everyone! im gonna be signing guitars at the sherman oaks guitar center tomorrow from 3pm until they call the cops to have me removed. come say hi!

13 62 310

Reposted by The Fishpants

𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 6d

Shutdown: The Musical

5 57 170

Reposted by The Fishpants

Low Quality Facts @lowqualityfacts.bsky.social · 7d

Everyone: Hello, we would like society to improve.

Billionaires: Too bad, go scream into the void instead.

Everyone: Okay.

Billionaires: Also, we have bought all the voids. It now costs $100 to scream into the void.

8 64 220

Reposted by The Fishpants

It's ME(Jaime) @exceedhergrasp1.bsky.social · 7d

evergreen

Karl Bode @karlbode.com · 7d

anyway what a golden era for opportunistic invertebrates

2 9

Reposted by The Fishpants

Emma Bolden @emmabolden.bsky.social · 9d

adulthood is like you wake up and someone is like “that will be $500”

13 160 750

Reposted by The Fishpants

Satchel Charge @satchelcharge.bsky.social · 7d

I must return to my protected enclosure with haste

2 20 73

Reposted by The Fishpants

Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 7d

I just quit a book three pages in when I reached a second misspelling because I expect books to be smarter than me goddammit

17 68 260

Reposted by The Fishpants

thunk2much @thunk2much.bsky.social · 7d

I too would like to shut down due to incompetence

5 35

Reposted by The Fishpants

The Amytyville Horror @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 8d

i will pay one of you in currency and erotic poetry to capture and remove all the bees inside my head

8 28 97

Reposted by The Fishpants

Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 8d

[somberly sitting down at the kitchen table with my wife of twenty years] babe i have gathered you here today because i would like to grow a mullet

4 9 76

Reposted by The Fishpants

MF FairyPrincessSmoo @smooheed.bsky.social · Aug 20

HR: we’ve had some complaints about your Gollum impersonations, they’re disruptive and quite frankly, terrible

Me: *falls to the floor* it burns us, it burns us

HR: …

5 50 160

Reposted by The Fishpants

Sexy Vampire President Warren G. Harding @popeawesomexiii.bsky.social · 8d

A little nervous you guys, she told me the safeword is worcestershire

1 16 73

The Fishpants @thefishpants.bsky.social · 8d

Due to racism, all the zebras in very old movies were played by horse actors in blackandwhiteface.

3 8

Reposted by The Fishpants

respectful huff @alexqarbuckle.bsky.social · 9d

DON DRAPER: I grew up in a haunted house. I would put out bowls of spaghetti and tell visitors it was guts. Grapes, eyeballs. One of the older boys, who would lunge at people in a wolfman mask, looked after me. The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was eating Reese’s Pieces.

6 71 570

Reposted by The Fishpants

Lock Wilford @lockwilford.com · 8d

He's a 10, but it's in binary

7 32

The Fishpants @thefishpants.bsky.social · 9d

This is going to be FUCKING HILARIOUS

Check out the article here, I'm telling you
Comedy gold nuggets within

emptywheel @emptywheel.bsky.social · 9d

Suing Donald Trump pro se for $40 trillion dollars is the way all Jan6ers should be spending their pardons, as the QShaman is.

www.phoenixnewtimes.com/news/phoenix...

QAnon Shaman says he’s rightful president, sues Trump for $40 trillion

In a rambling complaint, Jacob Chansley claims DJs are spies, that the NSA stole his work for a Batman movie and more.

www.phoenixnewtimes.com

1 3

Reposted by The Fishpants

Shaun (of the dead) 🧟‍♂️ @bigbadnailbiter.bsky.social · 9d

Speak with your inside voice and carry a massive fuck off stick

3 8

Reposted by The Fishpants

Eric Replatformed @21stcenturyeric.bsky.social · 9d

Nettie Pots: Feed a cold, starve the flu and waterboard allergies.

1 20 47

Reposted by The Fishpants

Marc @runoldman.bsky.social · Dec 31

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

55 310 2.1K

Reposted by The Fishpants

Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 10d

Elvis is the rare celebrity of yesteryear that if anything would fit in even more today because he was super into self defense and being high on drugs and talking to a crooked President and dating a teenager, he’d 100000% have a crypto thing going on

70 370 3.3K

Reposted by The Fishpants

Marc @runoldman.bsky.social · 10d

I'd enjoy a shower more if I had backup singers.

9 100 300