This is almost all the plugs... but the cords are another story.

Don't even get me started on the charging cords 😂

don’t just check in on your friends. that’s selfish. check in on your enemies too. are they suffering? do they have regrets? good, good

Me: Is there something I could do differently to improve my sleep?

Doctor: I recommend not looking at your phone for at least an hour before bed.

Me: So nothing then.

I like it when there are a bunch of people on here talking about a sporting event that I'm not watching.

It's like seeing a flock of pigeons eating a smashed sidewalk donut together. I'm not partaking, but you guys dig in.

Sorry I haven’t been on lately. I was busy trying to open a produce bag for my apples

Maine Coon cats are fighting on top of me.

If this is my last transmission, know I loved you.

Well, most of you.

Not the assholes.

i mean honestly if i wanted to do a murder i’d just wait for the person to take a bath; throw a toaster in that bitch and walk away.

It's a dancing frog. Is this TRULY who ICE is now?

My ancestors were good Danes.

No, they were GREAT Danes.

Gf talks nonsense in her sleep when I go to bed. Last night, she told me I needed to pay a £5 admin fee to get into bed and then later, when I said she was snoring, she said it had gone up to £5.50 because she had to roll over.

I was told it was 'none of your business' what admin needed done

Mamdani: “I went to Rosh Hashanah services the other night and it was this beautiful service and afterwards an old Jewish lady came up to me and handed me a button with a bagel on it that said ‘reject the smear campaign, join the schmear campaign. Jews for Zohran”

I fucking love this

Someone should start asking why we’re hearing and seeing Stephen Miller so much all of a sudden.

No. It's pragmatism.

“breast milk” implies that we can milk other body parts

*all evil doers being completely copacetic with one another * i’m sure that bodes well for civilization

Be sure to come to my book signing! Today, I'll be signing "It", by Stephen King. Next week, I'll be signing the owner's manual to my 2006 Honda.

Does anyone else have a box of various plugs or are you all normal?

Every time I stop in a 7/11, I get stuck behind someone who has A System™ for the Powerball, MegaMillions and three other random lotteries, barking out their tried-and-true sequence of numbers to the cashier like he's trying to keep the island on LOST from exploding.

horror movie posters but with muppets: thread

I’m always eating cock-shaped food. You think that means something?

Gonna rent a storefront on Main Street to sell artisan ham.
Call it Hog on Main.

Well, at least the price of eggs is down.