Swim Jeans 👖
@shortsleevesuit.bsky.social
Pilot. Mancub. Liar. 🍸🤘
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
Pinned
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
December 5, 2025 at 10:10 PM
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
November 28, 2025 at 6:39 PM
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything
October 25, 2025 at 4:15 AM
Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad the boys are back in town
January 6, 2025 at 7:18 AM
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad the boys are back in town
Guy in the oil change place waiting room has had his phone to his ear for over 20 minutes but hasn’t said a word like he dialed oneof those 1-900 numbers that plays recorded Christmas stories
December 4, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Guy in the oil change place waiting room has had his phone to his ear for over 20 minutes but hasn’t said a word like he dialed oneof those 1-900 numbers that plays recorded Christmas stories
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today
December 4, 2025 at 2:51 AM
Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”
December 4, 2025 at 4:25 PM
“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”
DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
December 1, 2025 at 11:47 PM
DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake
November 30, 2025 at 4:29 AM
jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
it’s winter, be mysterious
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
December 1, 2025 at 12:55 AM
it’s winter, be mysterious
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
CRIMINAL: please, I have a family
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
November 27, 2025 at 7:24 AM
CRIMINAL: please, I have a family
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news
November 29, 2025 at 3:08 PM
To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
November 24, 2023 at 2:58 AM
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Excuse me but this turkey is a little chewie
November 28, 2024 at 8:35 PM
Excuse me but this turkey is a little chewie
My wife has some friends over so I went into the bathroom to let out a loud fart and my son (from his room) yelled ‘Yessir!’
November 26, 2025 at 6:46 PM
My wife has some friends over so I went into the bathroom to let out a loud fart and my son (from his room) yelled ‘Yessir!’
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
I just got back from a faulty teleportation and boy are my arms missing
December 15, 2024 at 12:15 AM
I just got back from a faulty teleportation and boy are my arms missing
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Why do all the inkblots look like sexy clowns
November 26, 2025 at 6:46 AM
Why do all the inkblots look like sexy clowns
[leaving the clone store]
ME: thanks for the help I’ll see myself out
ME: thanks for the help I’ll see myself out
November 24, 2025 at 7:50 PM
[leaving the clone store]
ME: thanks for the help I’ll see myself out
ME: thanks for the help I’ll see myself out
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
It was when she called me a rural simpleton that I knew I would have to look up both those words.
December 2, 2024 at 8:22 AM
It was when she called me a rural simpleton that I knew I would have to look up both those words.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Having just been through the desert carrying a guy with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.
November 24, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Having just been through the desert carrying a guy with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain.
It’s so over for you fools
November 24, 2025 at 12:10 AM
It’s so over for you fools
ME: please pass the salt, zebra
HER: it's debra
HER: it's debra
November 23, 2025 at 7:55 PM
ME: please pass the salt, zebra
HER: it's debra
HER: it's debra
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
even as a little boy i always dreamt of having bad knees
November 20, 2025 at 3:33 AM
even as a little boy i always dreamt of having bad knees
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.
November 23, 2025 at 3:41 PM
I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy
November 22, 2025 at 6:20 PM
apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy