@silrobver.bsky.social
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? Nature wants me dead.
May 10, 2025 at 1:27 PM
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? Nature wants me dead.
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ME: *folding laundry* ugh another sock is missing
PUPPET ON MY HAND: how does that keep happening
PUPPET ON MY HAND: how does that keep happening
May 10, 2025 at 4:48 PM
ME: *folding laundry* ugh another sock is missing
PUPPET ON MY HAND: how does that keep happening
PUPPET ON MY HAND: how does that keep happening
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Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who said, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” and then still packed my lunch.
May 10, 2025 at 3:01 PM
Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who said, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out” and then still packed my lunch.
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Trump: we bigly need to get rid of the Mexicans and make the snow Mexicans hate us
February 2, 2025 at 1:07 PM
Trump: we bigly need to get rid of the Mexicans and make the snow Mexicans hate us
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Me: "Be kind to people. You never know what someone's going through."
Also me: "Nice turn signal, dickhead."
Also me: "Nice turn signal, dickhead."
January 29, 2025 at 9:03 PM
Me: "Be kind to people. You never know what someone's going through."
Also me: "Nice turn signal, dickhead."
Also me: "Nice turn signal, dickhead."
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Just had my performance evaluation and it's always so weird seeing "dingus" in print
January 22, 2025 at 7:51 PM
Just had my performance evaluation and it's always so weird seeing "dingus" in print
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does anyone know why the doll is on the island of misfit toys or am I to assume it’s because she’s a ginger
December 24, 2024 at 9:41 PM
does anyone know why the doll is on the island of misfit toys or am I to assume it’s because she’s a ginger
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Genie: seriously? why didn’t you just wish for 3 ice cream cones with your first wish?
January 7, 2025 at 11:47 PM
Genie: seriously? why didn’t you just wish for 3 ice cream cones with your first wish?
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I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
January 7, 2025 at 7:40 PM
I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
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me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
brain: put your finger in there too
January 7, 2025 at 11:42 PM
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
brain: put your finger in there too
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
December 28, 2024 at 2:29 AM
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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me at 16: my stomach is an indomitable furnace on a steam engine anything I throw in there will be annihilated into fuel
me at 38: I have to actively maintain the bacterial balance on my gut biome or I don't get to poop right
me at 38: I have to actively maintain the bacterial balance on my gut biome or I don't get to poop right
December 28, 2024 at 12:13 AM
me at 16: my stomach is an indomitable furnace on a steam engine anything I throw in there will be annihilated into fuel
me at 38: I have to actively maintain the bacterial balance on my gut biome or I don't get to poop right
me at 38: I have to actively maintain the bacterial balance on my gut biome or I don't get to poop right
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Finding your soul mate is like trying to find a good parking spot. It takes a long time, but eventually you say whatever I'm taking this one.
December 26, 2024 at 3:06 PM
Finding your soul mate is like trying to find a good parking spot. It takes a long time, but eventually you say whatever I'm taking this one.
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: ahahaHAHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
December 22, 2024 at 10:57 PM
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: ahahaHAHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
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ME: I’m a little drunk.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.
December 23, 2024 at 12:29 AM
ME: I’m a little drunk.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.
HER: I know.
ME: You’re very beautiful.
HER: Thank you.
ME: Do I look okay naked?
HER: You do.
ME: Do you like my penis?
HER: It’s very nice.
ME: Big, too.
HER: Yes it is.
ME: What now?
HER: I have to call the police.
ME: Why?
HER: Starbucks policy, sir.
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Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription
December 16, 2024 at 12:07 AM
Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription
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My son mentioned that he thinks he's "reached his limit on learning," suggesting that if he learns one more fact about the Byzantine empire, he'll forget how to use a doorknob
February 10, 2024 at 12:04 AM
My son mentioned that he thinks he's "reached his limit on learning," suggesting that if he learns one more fact about the Byzantine empire, he'll forget how to use a doorknob
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People underestimate how much work it is being the Clever Little Shithead in the family
November 28, 2024 at 11:46 PM
People underestimate how much work it is being the Clever Little Shithead in the family
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I named my pet dung beetle Ringo Starr cos he is also often unfairly referred to as "the shit beatle"
December 12, 2024 at 4:22 PM
I named my pet dung beetle Ringo Starr cos he is also often unfairly referred to as "the shit beatle"
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“Have you brought the list?”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Excellent.”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Excellent.”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.”
December 8, 2024 at 4:40 PM
“Have you brought the list?”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Excellent.”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.”
“I have, O Great One.”
“Has it been checked twice?”
“Of course, sir”
“Excellent.”
“Do you require anything further?”
“Bring me an elf, I’m famished.”
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Unclench your jaw.
Clench your fist.
Punch the thing that was making you clench your jaw.
Namaste.
Clench your fist.
Punch the thing that was making you clench your jaw.
Namaste.
December 7, 2024 at 4:54 PM
Unclench your jaw.
Clench your fist.
Punch the thing that was making you clench your jaw.
Namaste.
Clench your fist.
Punch the thing that was making you clench your jaw.
Namaste.