Literally
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ummliterally.bsky.social
Literally
@ummliterally.bsky.social
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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*brings a grilled cheese to a knife fight so someone will cut it into triangles for me*
October 9, 2025 at 1:12 AM
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Man, I’m kind of sorry for being such a smartass today but let me promise you this one thing it will happen again
November 22, 2025 at 9:30 PM
*sprinkling little combination locks on a bagel

What do you mean "not that kind of locks?"
November 25, 2025 at 7:21 PM
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Can someone take me in their cupped hands like a small frog and hide me in their pocket, please?
November 15, 2025 at 5:54 PM
I slapped a DENSE FOG ADVISORY sticker on my forehead after a night of partying, so people know what they're dealing with.
November 25, 2025 at 4:22 PM
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Try as I might, I still have yet to identify a time of day in which it is not too early for this sh!t.
November 25, 2025 at 1:33 PM
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a hot tub is really just a cauldron with jets
November 23, 2025 at 2:04 AM
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Not done today, but there’s a 4-day weekend coming up! Gary looked at his Thanksgiving break to-do list and spontaneously burst into flames.
November 24, 2025 at 5:17 AM
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Was today Monday, or Monday-Tuesday, or Wednesday?
November 25, 2025 at 2:42 AM
just overheard the best joke ever written...

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no eye deer
November 24, 2025 at 9:42 PM
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I don't want a timer on my electric blanket. Don't turn off until my internal temperature reaches 163 degrees and my juices run clear.
November 23, 2025 at 7:58 PM
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I may not be fluent, but I can be silent in many languages.
November 24, 2025 at 3:28 PM
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Dear Dude honking at the minivan to move: She is currently adjusting her kid's attitude. Let her work so he doesn't become our future problem
February 26, 2025 at 10:26 PM
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Me, cleaning the house
November 23, 2025 at 11:38 PM
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RIP to the banger I was thinking of when falling asleep and thought for sure I would remember later
November 22, 2025 at 2:31 AM
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I may have been born a Pisces, but I identify as a cancer to everyone around me
November 23, 2025 at 3:43 PM
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My internet was down for so long, I almost had an original idea!
November 23, 2025 at 3:47 PM
JUST IN: The search for the next dolly llama has concluded.
November 23, 2025 at 2:44 PM
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God has decided to just give up with Earth and start a less ambitious project..
November 21, 2025 at 4:59 PM
These boots aren't made for walkin

~ Nancy Sinatra at the ski resort
November 23, 2025 at 2:25 PM
Parliament: We want the funk!

Me: Please, step into my son's room.
November 23, 2025 at 2:23 PM
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ugh, my dashboard is gas lighting me
November 22, 2025 at 3:43 AM
new movie idea:

Honey, I Ate Your Chocolate

Spoiler: the wife murders him
November 21, 2025 at 6:48 PM
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My christmas wish is the same as everyone's:

World peace and the ability to poop on a regular schedule
November 21, 2025 at 3:12 PM
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Bring me the Head of Lettuce
November 21, 2025 at 5:12 PM