Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
Platinum 🏳️🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear.
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Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
· Dec 15
Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs
Nothing hits like finding out the brats in front of you boarding the plane are actually 13 rows behind you
February 1, 2026 at 7:46 PM
Nothing hits like finding out the brats in front of you boarding the plane are actually 13 rows behind you
Reposted by Billhelm
who knew that posting consistently would get me where I am today (skeeting on the toilet)
February 1, 2026 at 7:12 PM
who knew that posting consistently would get me where I am today (skeeting on the toilet)
Reposted by Billhelm
why is it called a foursome and not a fling quartet
February 1, 2026 at 5:05 PM
why is it called a foursome and not a fling quartet
Reposted by Billhelm
At my party you’ll enjoy a string quartet*
*4 packets of string cheese
*4 packets of string cheese
February 1, 2026 at 2:05 PM
At my party you’ll enjoy a string quartet*
*4 packets of string cheese
*4 packets of string cheese
Reposted by Billhelm
Me: Dude, you pooped on the floor?
Dog: Fitzy. It’s -2°F out there. I’d like to see you squatting in a foot of snow watching your turds freeze before they hit the ground.
Dog: Fitzy. It’s -2°F out there. I’d like to see you squatting in a foot of snow watching your turds freeze before they hit the ground.
January 21, 2025 at 10:23 AM
Me: Dude, you pooped on the floor?
Dog: Fitzy. It’s -2°F out there. I’d like to see you squatting in a foot of snow watching your turds freeze before they hit the ground.
Dog: Fitzy. It’s -2°F out there. I’d like to see you squatting in a foot of snow watching your turds freeze before they hit the ground.
Reposted by Billhelm
its always winter blues and never winter emo
February 1, 2026 at 2:20 PM
its always winter blues and never winter emo
Reposted by Billhelm
barbie's c-section got done by a plastic surgeon and she looks great
January 11, 2026 at 7:07 PM
barbie's c-section got done by a plastic surgeon and she looks great
Reposted by Billhelm
Unlocked my phone with my face and it spontaneously googled a list of plastic surgeons.
May 26, 2025 at 9:35 AM
Unlocked my phone with my face and it spontaneously googled a list of plastic surgeons.
Reposted by Billhelm
me: *getting lucky with a scandinavian woman i met*
me: oh man you're awesome... are you swedish?
her: Finnish
me: alright alright i won't be long, jeez, be patient
me: oh man you're awesome... are you swedish?
her: Finnish
me: alright alright i won't be long, jeez, be patient
January 24, 2025 at 2:41 PM
me: *getting lucky with a scandinavian woman i met*
me: oh man you're awesome... are you swedish?
her: Finnish
me: alright alright i won't be long, jeez, be patient
me: oh man you're awesome... are you swedish?
her: Finnish
me: alright alright i won't be long, jeez, be patient
Reposted by Billhelm
Sorry your boyfriend thinks vulva is a brand of Swedish automobiles.
September 16, 2024 at 9:56 AM
Sorry your boyfriend thinks vulva is a brand of Swedish automobiles.
Reposted by Billhelm
thank god this year is almost over
February 1, 2026 at 12:59 AM
thank god this year is almost over
Reposted by Billhelm
cats wouldn't put up with this shit
January 31, 2026 at 10:10 PM
cats wouldn't put up with this shit
Reposted by Billhelm
don't forget to eat your weight in feelings today
January 31, 2026 at 11:10 PM
don't forget to eat your weight in feelings today
Reposted by Billhelm
were gonna wake up tomorrow to an infinite january loop this month is all we have now make peace with it
February 1, 2026 at 12:43 AM
were gonna wake up tomorrow to an infinite january loop this month is all we have now make peace with it
Reposted by Billhelm
Life is what happens when you are busy farting
January 31, 2026 at 12:06 AM
Life is what happens when you are busy farting
Reposted by Billhelm
ngl i have been called a complete stunner by many a stranger (i have a taser in my purse)
January 31, 2026 at 12:19 AM
ngl i have been called a complete stunner by many a stranger (i have a taser in my purse)
Reposted by Billhelm
don’t give up hope you can sell that for a quick buck
January 30, 2026 at 9:32 PM
don’t give up hope you can sell that for a quick buck
Reposted by Billhelm
a porn site for sharks called onlyfins
January 30, 2026 at 9:35 PM
a porn site for sharks called onlyfins
Reposted by Billhelm
It is one of life's little injustices that every now and then you learn an absolute STUNNER of a fact and nobody around wants to hear you tell them about it
January 30, 2026 at 6:48 PM
It is one of life's little injustices that every now and then you learn an absolute STUNNER of a fact and nobody around wants to hear you tell them about it
Reposted by Billhelm
“Go slash someone’s brake line.”
- me as an anger management counselor
- me as an anger management counselor
January 30, 2026 at 4:05 PM
“Go slash someone’s brake line.”
- me as an anger management counselor
- me as an anger management counselor
Reposted by Billhelm
not mid, not a banger, but a secret third skeet
January 30, 2026 at 4:51 PM
not mid, not a banger, but a secret third skeet
I feel like the word “efficient” could be spelled more efficiently
January 30, 2026 at 1:27 PM
I feel like the word “efficient” could be spelled more efficiently