🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
@ltvargus.bsky.social
I'm Lex. I write books that are "full of gore and evil" according to one reader. http://ltvargus.com/books
My stupid posts:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uesz4twpjyxhawilgwhdgndr/feed/aaadwblv2k7uq
My stupid posts:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uesz4twpjyxhawilgwhdgndr/feed/aaadwblv2k7uq
Pinned
🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
@ltvargus.bsky.social
· Oct 11
The police can never just pull you over. No, they always have a million nosy ass questions: "Why are you naked?" "Whose blood is that?"
The jerk store called but I don’t know what they wanted because they didn’t leave a message
January 5, 2026 at 5:00 PM
The jerk store called but I don’t know what they wanted because they didn’t leave a message
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Woke up refreshed, relaxed, and ready to *checks notes* rearrange anxiety into different piles.
January 4, 2026 at 3:22 PM
Woke up refreshed, relaxed, and ready to *checks notes* rearrange anxiety into different piles.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
(goes back to make sure I didn’t accidentally use an unnecessary apostrophe)
January 5, 2026 at 11:59 AM
(goes back to make sure I didn’t accidentally use an unnecessary apostrophe)
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
We need more deodorants for us mature types.
Like instead of "Shark Puncher" and "Booty Pirate" try "Look, I Made it Out of the Armchair!" and "New Buick SUV"
Like instead of "Shark Puncher" and "Booty Pirate" try "Look, I Made it Out of the Armchair!" and "New Buick SUV"
January 4, 2026 at 10:11 PM
We need more deodorants for us mature types.
Like instead of "Shark Puncher" and "Booty Pirate" try "Look, I Made it Out of the Armchair!" and "New Buick SUV"
Like instead of "Shark Puncher" and "Booty Pirate" try "Look, I Made it Out of the Armchair!" and "New Buick SUV"
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
November 15, 2025 at 3:34 AM
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Why are animals always barefoot? What are they trying to prove
December 13, 2025 at 1:15 AM
Why are animals always barefoot? What are they trying to prove
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
if you're thirsty, they're thirsty. water your electronics
January 4, 2026 at 4:21 PM
if you're thirsty, they're thirsty. water your electronics
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
there's wagging the dog and then there's grabbing the dog by the tail and swinging it around like it's indiana jones' whip
January 3, 2026 at 4:41 PM
there's wagging the dog and then there's grabbing the dog by the tail and swinging it around like it's indiana jones' whip
Do I look like a dumb diaper baby? NO! I'M BIG AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO SO THERE!
January 4, 2026 at 5:20 PM
Do I look like a dumb diaper baby? NO! I'M BIG AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO SO THERE!
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Typical Saturday night. Drank 3 diet root beers and crashed my Segway into a parked car
January 12, 2025 at 1:48 AM
Typical Saturday night. Drank 3 diet root beers and crashed my Segway into a parked car
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
can cocaine you did 30 years ago suddenly kick on a random Sunday morning, or is this what ‘being in a good mood’ feels like
January 4, 2026 at 2:19 PM
can cocaine you did 30 years ago suddenly kick on a random Sunday morning, or is this what ‘being in a good mood’ feels like
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Whenever one of my Facebook posts gets 11 likes, I edit it and add “Wow, didn’t expect this to go viral. Thanks everyone and check out www.askjeeves”
January 3, 2026 at 3:36 AM
Whenever one of my Facebook posts gets 11 likes, I edit it and add “Wow, didn’t expect this to go viral. Thanks everyone and check out www.askjeeves”
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
(taking my brain out and polishing it on my shirt until it begins to work)
January 4, 2026 at 3:21 PM
(taking my brain out and polishing it on my shirt until it begins to work)
🎵 Smooth Defecator🎵
January 4, 2026 at 3:52 PM
🎵 Smooth Defecator🎵
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Starsearch made Spokesmodel seem like a much more possible career option than it really is.
January 3, 2026 at 6:20 AM
Starsearch made Spokesmodel seem like a much more possible career option than it really is.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
(googling “lobotomy price comparison 2026”)
January 3, 2026 at 7:01 PM
(googling “lobotomy price comparison 2026”)
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
food hack! *puts usb cable
into your hamburger and
open up my laptop* im in
into your hamburger and
open up my laptop* im in
January 2, 2026 at 1:05 AM
food hack! *puts usb cable
into your hamburger and
open up my laptop* im in
into your hamburger and
open up my laptop* im in
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
I am a train wreck, but the train was full of glitter.
January 2, 2026 at 3:18 AM
I am a train wreck, but the train was full of glitter.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Looking over my left shoulder, I see Mom staring at me, knuckles white on the handle of her cart. I turn my head to find Nana behind the avocados, glaring. My heart pounding, I raise a hand towards the shelf. A bead of sweat falls from my forehead, hitting the floor with a splat.
January 2, 2026 at 2:25 PM
Looking over my left shoulder, I see Mom staring at me, knuckles white on the handle of her cart. I turn my head to find Nana behind the avocados, glaring. My heart pounding, I raise a hand towards the shelf. A bead of sweat falls from my forehead, hitting the floor with a splat.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
If you prick us do we not bleed?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you walk by with a platter laden with cheeseburgers do we not robble-robble?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you walk by with a platter laden with cheeseburgers do we not robble-robble?
January 31, 2025 at 7:11 PM
If you prick us do we not bleed?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you walk by with a platter laden with cheeseburgers do we not robble-robble?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you walk by with a platter laden with cheeseburgers do we not robble-robble?
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Been sleeping peacefully since putting new Goodyear all-season tires on my racecar bed.
December 26, 2025 at 9:37 PM
Been sleeping peacefully since putting new Goodyear all-season tires on my racecar bed.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
I'm just getting my own cognitive tests weekly too but in the form of 'fuck is it trash day even though it was technically a holiday?'.
January 2, 2026 at 6:26 PM
I'm just getting my own cognitive tests weekly too but in the form of 'fuck is it trash day even though it was technically a holiday?'.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
suddenly I'm not hearing a whole lot of MERRY CHRISTMAS anymore, you woke fucks.
January 2, 2026 at 9:52 PM
suddenly I'm not hearing a whole lot of MERRY CHRISTMAS anymore, you woke fucks.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
the way I’M using the internet doesn’t rot the brain, actually.
December 31, 2025 at 8:12 PM
the way I’M using the internet doesn’t rot the brain, actually.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Okay, alright, but would you still love me if I were a worm clomping around the house in a peach tankini and winter boots?
January 2, 2026 at 7:39 PM
Okay, alright, but would you still love me if I were a worm clomping around the house in a peach tankini and winter boots?