dave the turkey crab
@crabbydaddy.bsky.social
CrabbyDaCrab from Twitter
IT’S A JOKE PEOPLE. FFS 🙄
mildly amusing musings when high
we have one race: human. be kind. 🏳️🌈
IT’S A JOKE PEOPLE. FFS 🙄
mildly amusing musings when high
we have one race: human. be kind. 🏳️🌈
Pinned
When dancing with the right person, you don’t need music.
imagine being in a hospital and telling the person that could literally save your life that they aren’t a professional
wtaf
wtaf
November 25, 2025 at 5:08 PM
imagine being in a hospital and telling the person that could literally save your life that they aren’t a professional
wtaf
wtaf
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
not enough girls named Ruth anymore
November 25, 2025 at 4:42 PM
not enough girls named Ruth anymore
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
being married is like being an anthropologist of one person in particular, and the field work only ends when one of you dies
November 25, 2025 at 4:50 PM
being married is like being an anthropologist of one person in particular, and the field work only ends when one of you dies
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Throws my moral compass into the ocean
November 25, 2025 at 4:28 PM
Throws my moral compass into the ocean
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Would a repost fucking kill you, Charlie Brown?
November 25, 2025 at 1:53 PM
Would a repost fucking kill you, Charlie Brown?
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Me, seeing my phone battery is at 69%: NICE
Also me, seeing my phone battery is at 69% but not being able to recall the last time someone touched me intimately: *sob* NICE
Also me, seeing my phone battery is at 69% but not being able to recall the last time someone touched me intimately: *sob* NICE
November 25, 2025 at 4:46 PM
Me, seeing my phone battery is at 69%: NICE
Also me, seeing my phone battery is at 69% but not being able to recall the last time someone touched me intimately: *sob* NICE
Also me, seeing my phone battery is at 69% but not being able to recall the last time someone touched me intimately: *sob* NICE
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Him: "why are you naked?"
Me: "im eating lasagna"
Me: "im eating lasagna"
November 24, 2025 at 11:54 PM
Him: "why are you naked?"
Me: "im eating lasagna"
Me: "im eating lasagna"
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
As someone who literally printed the motto 'Show up and do your best' onto a tshirt, someone telling me to just do what's required instead of my best is legitimately breaking my brain
November 25, 2025 at 4:14 PM
As someone who literally printed the motto 'Show up and do your best' onto a tshirt, someone telling me to just do what's required instead of my best is legitimately breaking my brain
chicken tenders are made from softhearted hens
November 25, 2025 at 4:21 PM
chicken tenders are made from softhearted hens
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Nobody cares what grade you’re in, Mercury. Get a job.
November 25, 2025 at 11:25 AM
Nobody cares what grade you’re in, Mercury. Get a job.
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Top Zillion Little Things That Make Me Furious Even Though I Know They Are Meaningless But I Can’t Let It Go
November 25, 2025 at 2:29 PM
Top Zillion Little Things That Make Me Furious Even Though I Know They Are Meaningless But I Can’t Let It Go
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Me: All done with my boundaries!
Therapist: okay those are walls
Therapist: okay those are walls
November 25, 2025 at 3:30 PM
Me: All done with my boundaries!
Therapist: okay those are walls
Therapist: okay those are walls
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
oops, it's 11:11, gotta go hide the microfilm containing secret documents
November 25, 2025 at 4:13 PM
oops, it's 11:11, gotta go hide the microfilm containing secret documents
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Today I'm choosing kindness...
But we'll see... it's still early...
But we'll see... it's still early...
November 25, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Today I'm choosing kindness...
But we'll see... it's still early...
But we'll see... it's still early...
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of cheese slices.
November 25, 2025 at 1:28 PM
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of cheese slices.
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Is it normal to wake up in a bed of cotton candy in a banana costume surrounded by 100 cats dyed pink while MASH loops on the TV?
November 25, 2025 at 3:14 PM
Is it normal to wake up in a bed of cotton candy in a banana costume surrounded by 100 cats dyed pink while MASH loops on the TV?
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
sipping a smooth cup of coffee al fresco while puffing on a tasty joint is a very happy place
November 25, 2025 at 3:40 PM
sipping a smooth cup of coffee al fresco while puffing on a tasty joint is a very happy place
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
I seem to have misplaced the last 10 years of my life
March 10, 2025 at 3:47 PM
I seem to have misplaced the last 10 years of my life
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Me: *clutching arm* "The bark is worse than the bite."
Friend: "How did you get bitten by a tree?"
Friend: "How did you get bitten by a tree?"
November 25, 2025 at 4:03 PM
Me: *clutching arm* "The bark is worse than the bite."
Friend: "How did you get bitten by a tree?"
Friend: "How did you get bitten by a tree?"
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
November 25, 2025 at 2:46 PM
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
So unpopular that the bots don't even follow me
November 25, 2025 at 3:07 PM
So unpopular that the bots don't even follow me
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
im the girl who cried dead vibrator.
November 25, 2025 at 11:49 AM
im the girl who cried dead vibrator.
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll vomit, you’ll wish you were dead ʷʰᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵉᵉ ᵐʸ ⁿᵘᵈᵉˢ
November 25, 2025 at 3:58 PM
you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll vomit, you’ll wish you were dead ʷʰᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵉᵉ ᵐʸ ⁿᵘᵈᵉˢ
Reposted by dave the turkey crab
Gonna delete some "bangers" and leave the "flops" bc you all need to acquire a more rare and sophisticated palette 🫖🥄✨
November 25, 2025 at 3:29 PM
Gonna delete some "bangers" and leave the "flops" bc you all need to acquire a more rare and sophisticated palette 🫖🥄✨