Did it hurt?

When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

Be careful what you wish for. Because it might not happen and then you'll be Sad.

I find it very difficult to breakdance under these conditions.

If Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban can't make it, what hope is there for me and the black monolith that knows all things

anyone else ever have an irrational fear that you’ve been hypnotized without your knowledge

waiter: would you like some capers with your pasta

batman: what

all of my retirement hopes now rest entirely with my partial collection of commemorative state quarters, a complete set of encyclopedias from 1974, some slap bracelets, a dozen slightly scratched k-tel records, and my final unused gwyneth paltrow vagina candle

I had a rough childhood. And I saw things that no kid should ever have to see.

For example, Attack of the Clones.

"Can everyone just stop?" I plead.

"Stop what?" they ask.

I frantically gesture at everything.

He’s a 10 but he’s from Sweden, so really he’s a Sven

my daughter’s friends’ sister’s girlfriends’ cousin made $3,000,000 from investing in peloton & im just over here hoping that all the apostrophe’s in this post are correct oh goddammit

Congrats Chris. Well done 👏

People need to stop saying, "That's un-American" when the government does something horrible. We have a long and well-documented history of doing horrible stuff

Me: *thinking to myself after someone wrongs me* You made an inconsequential and powerless enemy today my friend

[sitting in my garage]

ME: I’m so lonely

[neighbor walks outside]

ME: [closes garage door]

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until they find out that you sleep upside down from your ceiling like a bat

me: no worries. i’ll foot the bill

Bill: what

HER: I’m a genealogist.

ME: that’s crazy, I just finished watching Aladdin.

Getting new scissors in a plastic pack that i can't open without already owning scissors is so credit ratings coded

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Them: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till text month

If you’re new, some tips to get you started:

1. Put your dumb thoughts into words and send
2. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. No one is reading it anyway
3. Like and repost others, don’t be one of “them”
4. Make a search link, you lazy fuck
5. Never, and I mean NEVER, use a question mark