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lanyardigan

@lanyardigan.bsky.social

30K followers 1.2K following 15K posts

Jerry (the mouse) looking over his shoulder long-eyelashly (she/her) My posts https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:2ji4cmweqk4lpn6fsyraot7i/feed/aaagst5qokuyq Best ones https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:2ji4cmweqk4lpn6fsyraot7i/feed/aaab5stvmv2xy

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lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social · Sep 14

My grandpa (b. 1932) rarely remembers his dreams. But night before last, he dreamed he was watching them complete the Transcontinental Railroad—bringing the tracks from east and west together with a final golden spike. I think we can all agree this is a pretty rockin’ grandpa dream

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E @ethanhunter.bsky.social · 17m

“Being told I’m wrong and bad means I’m right and smart” is the most Atlantic-brained thing ever.

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Truckstop Vigilante @brenthor.bsky.social · Jun 5

You, 6ft tall, full head of hair: i cant get into these crevices im too big and they snag my hair.

Me, 5'6 and bald, emerging from a crevice: yeah I wouldn't know, man

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BayBayFriend @baybayfriend.bsky.social · 24d

Goofy 3D face. Text: Are you being good?
• Giving of your time and powers.
• Downloading only pious implements.
• Lingering on charitable notions.
• Ingesting meatful ideas.
• Breathing uncanny particles.
• Telling the devil to scrub hell's tub.
(and mow hell’s lawn while he’s at it)

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thee Michael Whiteshoes @michaelwhiteshoes.bsky.social · 4d

since it's spooky season here's my favorite gravestone

a gray tombstone with an etching of a woman on an older portable phone. the tombstone reads:"Jesus Called And Kim Answered".

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DJ Boozy Brunch @griph.bsky.social · 56m

a good “this is what twitter was for” thread was when someone pretty definitively and with evidence traced the etymology of “triscuit” to “electricity biscuit” because harnessable electricity was pretty new at the time and they were like futuristic crackers

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Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social · 6d

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

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d.ly @dly.bsky.social · 2d

party themes are getting too niche these days

a text to D saying "do you want to come to the urology holiday party"

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Andy Beckerman @andybeckerman.bsky.social · 7d

Wow, both Louis CK *and* Woody Allen have books out! It really feels like we're living through a literary renaissance! Wait, sorry, I get my words mixed up sometimes. I meant to say, it's like we're living through a Hieronymus Bosch painting of unaccountable humdrum pervs!

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cranny boy @crannyboy.bsky.social · 1h

It's going bald Sunday. Everybody lose your hair

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Flannel: Dead and Loving it @flanneloccluded.bsky.social · 1h

Asking the exhausted spirit Halloween employees wear they keep their chaste Halloween costumes

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leemanish.bsky.social @leemanish.bsky.social · Dec 11

costco should have a contest where the winner gets to shop on horseback

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Tricia Lockwood @tricialockwood.bsky.social · Dec 24

I’m being told my most sensual aunt has received a new cooter

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Gregory Possum-Jumpscarer @possumacquainter.bsky.social · Jan 10

the fundamental problem of civilization is that humanity's highest calling is Hanging Out With Friends, but a small minority of humans are maniacally driven to control everyone else because no one wants to hang out with them

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Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 2h

Eric Andre asking Mel B if Margaret Thatcher had girl power

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meliss-AAAH! @mel.bzky.team · 3h

good afternoon

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the babahuck @tylerhuckabee.bsky.social · 5h

In 2004, Parisian police were conducting a training exercise in the french catacombs and found, after moving past a desk and a tape playing audio of snarling dogs, a fully functional movie theater and bar. When they returned 3 days later, the equipment was gone, with a note: “Do not try to find us.”

Members of the force's sports squad, responsible
- among other tasks - for policing the 170 miles of tunnels, caves, galleries and catacombs that underlie large parts of Paris, stumbled on the complex while on a training exercise beneath the Palais de Chaillot, across the Seine from the Eiffel Tower.
After entering the network through a drain next to the Trocadero, the officers came across a tarpaulin marked: Building site, No access.
Behind that, a tunnel held a desk and a closed-circuit TV camera set to automatically record images of anyone passing. The mechanism also triggered a tape of dogs barking, "clearly designed to frighten people off," the spokesman said.
Further along, the tunnel opened into a vast 400 sq metre cave some 18m underground, "like an underground amphitheatre, with terraces cut into the rock and chairs".

There the police found a full-sized cinema screen, projection equipment, and tapes of a wide variety of films, including 1950s film noir classics and more recent thrillers. None of the films were banned or even offensive, the spokesman said.
A smaller cave next door had been turned into an informal restaurant and bar. "There were bottles of whisky and other spirits behind a bar, tables and chairs, a pressure-cooker for making couscous," the spokesman said.
"The whole thing ran off a professionally installed electricity system and there were at least three phone lines down there."
Three days later, when the police returned accompanied by experts from the French electricity board to see where the power was coming from, the phone and electricity lines had been cut and a note was lying in the middle of the floor: "Do not," it said, "try to find us."

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T I M E S C A N N E R @timescanner.bsky.social · 3h

in the mid 21st century every device from toaster to television to phone to defibrillator and every electronic message transmitted thereon was controlled by a wet man with a hole in his brain who was only capable of understanding anything in terms of “antichrists.”

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colorscolor @uglyjacket.bsky.social · 17d

Hawk Tuah feels like it happened in 1997

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shit whistle @guntoucher.bsky.social · 5h

SaltReminder™: hey Dave! it looks like you're preparing a recipe, would you like to add some salt?

ME: that's a good idea, thanks SaltReminder™!

SaltReminder™: no problem!

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Truckstop Vigilante @brenthor.bsky.social · Jan 16

In honour of David Lynch, here is a story about how I ruined a party

I got invited to a party in my 20s so i naturally i took 5g of mushroom and showed up with a flat of beer, only to discover that 'party' actually meant 12 sober people sitting quietly watching Eraserhead.

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born miserable @bornmiserable.bsky.social · Sep 11

[me, when someone calls me mentally ill on social media] are you hitting on me

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sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · May 2

*knocking on your car window* a few miles back your dog’s ear was inside out thought you should know

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Hi, it's Abby. Yep. @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 13h

Hey Siri, who is my baby's dad

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rax ‘levon honkers’ king @raxkingisdead.bsky.social · 6h

last night sean was giggling to himself and when i asked what was so funny he said he was imagining a southern mouse in a white linen suit drinking a ‘cheese julep’

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lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social · 16h

100%. Using their framing only benefits them. The flattening of language is central to control

Ify Nwadiwe @ifycomedy.com · 19h

I think we really should stop using antifa and just fully say anti-fascist and get them saying they are against anti fascism. Using antifa is giving them some distance and I genuinely think some of their base don’t even know that’s what it stands for.

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