maggie
@magpie-maggie.bsky.social
trinket collector, void screamer, cheese fiend
Reposted by maggie
Eating a grilled cheese sandwich with my hairy hobbit feet.
December 3, 2025 at 6:37 PM
Eating a grilled cheese sandwich with my hairy hobbit feet.
Reposted by maggie
We threw handfuls of lice at the bride and groom because we thought that's what they wanted.
December 3, 2025 at 8:44 PM
We threw handfuls of lice at the bride and groom because we thought that's what they wanted.
Reposted by maggie
just purchased my limited edition Avatar: Fire and Ash catheter so i don't have to get up to pee during the movie 🤩 it's designed to look like a Na'vi braid but it goes up my penis
December 3, 2025 at 11:50 PM
just purchased my limited edition Avatar: Fire and Ash catheter so i don't have to get up to pee during the movie 🤩 it's designed to look like a Na'vi braid but it goes up my penis
Reposted by maggie
practising to become the world's first strip chess grandmaster
November 30, 2025 at 10:35 PM
practising to become the world's first strip chess grandmaster
Reposted by maggie
you can lead a man to water but he still won’t wash his butthole with it
November 26, 2025 at 1:05 AM
you can lead a man to water but he still won’t wash his butthole with it
Reposted by maggie
me: any chance i could have some of this ground?
groundhog: aNy cHancE i COulD HaVE soMe OF thIs grOuNd?
hell no
groundhog: aNy cHancE i COulD HaVE soMe OF thIs grOuNd?
hell no
November 25, 2025 at 7:41 PM
me: any chance i could have some of this ground?
groundhog: aNy cHancE i COulD HaVE soMe OF thIs grOuNd?
hell no
groundhog: aNy cHancE i COulD HaVE soMe OF thIs grOuNd?
hell no
Reposted by maggie
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They can also repel pharmacists if you throw them hard enough. But you're going to need a pineapple or a durian if you want to take down a dentist.
November 25, 2025 at 12:08 PM
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. They can also repel pharmacists if you throw them hard enough. But you're going to need a pineapple or a durian if you want to take down a dentist.
Reposted by maggie
jacking off to videos of people playing the theremin with their dick
November 25, 2025 at 7:46 PM
jacking off to videos of people playing the theremin with their dick
Reposted by maggie
ME: WHY’S IT CALLED BOWLING AND NOT PINBALL
SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: *strapped to my back* WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: *strapped to my back* WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
November 25, 2025 at 3:06 PM
ME: WHY’S IT CALLED BOWLING AND NOT PINBALL
SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: *strapped to my back* WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR: *strapped to my back* WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
Reposted by maggie
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. *gets a lobotomy*
November 25, 2025 at 5:12 PM
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. *gets a lobotomy*
Reposted by maggie
(guy whose never played baseball before) and you promise that this doesn't hurt the ball?
November 25, 2025 at 6:03 PM
(guy whose never played baseball before) and you promise that this doesn't hurt the ball?
Reposted by maggie
[making phone call]
me: hello yes, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: ok
me: and it’s working out great
jg wentworth: (venomous) you son of a bitch
me: hello yes, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: ok
me: and it’s working out great
jg wentworth: (venomous) you son of a bitch
November 22, 2025 at 10:04 PM
[making phone call]
me: hello yes, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: ok
me: and it’s working out great
jg wentworth: (venomous) you son of a bitch
me: hello yes, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: ok
me: and it’s working out great
jg wentworth: (venomous) you son of a bitch
Reposted by maggie
When people say "you can't eat gravel" what they actually mean is "it's not easy or normal to eat gravel." Big difference.
November 19, 2025 at 6:49 PM
When people say "you can't eat gravel" what they actually mean is "it's not easy or normal to eat gravel." Big difference.
Reposted by maggie
I think I'd know if one of my toes left my body and went to market
November 18, 2025 at 11:52 PM
I think I'd know if one of my toes left my body and went to market
Reposted by maggie
breakfast is a gateway drug to harder meals, such as lunch
November 19, 2025 at 6:53 PM
breakfast is a gateway drug to harder meals, such as lunch
Reposted by maggie
throw me in a pile of leaves and run me over as a treat
November 19, 2025 at 12:56 AM
throw me in a pile of leaves and run me over as a treat
Reposted by maggie
Frantically deleting all my negative posts about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
November 18, 2025 at 3:10 AM
Frantically deleting all my negative posts about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Reposted by maggie
You can drill a hole in a bicycle frame and fill it to the brim with cheddar & broccoli soup and then weld the hole shut and paint over it. Nobody has to know
November 18, 2025 at 1:32 PM
You can drill a hole in a bicycle frame and fill it to the brim with cheddar & broccoli soup and then weld the hole shut and paint over it. Nobody has to know
Reposted by maggie
Breakfast in bed is considered romantic and sweet but me eating mashed potatoes in bed at 6pm is somehow concerning
November 18, 2025 at 12:15 AM
Breakfast in bed is considered romantic and sweet but me eating mashed potatoes in bed at 6pm is somehow concerning
Reposted by maggie
holding my girls hair back while she has diarrhea
November 18, 2025 at 12:21 AM
holding my girls hair back while she has diarrhea
Reposted by maggie
Lying in bed thinking about a new and more powerful form of sandwich
November 17, 2025 at 4:57 AM
Lying in bed thinking about a new and more powerful form of sandwich
Reposted by maggie
went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲
November 15, 2025 at 2:05 PM
went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲
Reposted by maggie
AirBnB implies the existence of EarthBnB, WaterBnB, and FireBnB.
November 14, 2025 at 10:37 AM
AirBnB implies the existence of EarthBnB, WaterBnB, and FireBnB.
Reposted by maggie
The whole mall is strippers?
November 13, 2025 at 1:20 AM
The whole mall is strippers?