Phil Jeffries
@philliris.bsky.social
Like Yoda, only without the powers. Or the wisdom.
Pinned
Phil Jeffries
@philliris.bsky.social
· Oct 15
Playing a family game of monopoly and my wife and children took all of my money. Just like in real life.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
December 21, 2025 at 5:28 AM
nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
November 15, 2025 at 3:34 AM
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Sorry I winced when you showed me a pic of your new baby.
October 1, 2025 at 11:51 AM
Sorry I winced when you showed me a pic of your new baby.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
That time I was trusted with a label maker.
May 22, 2023 at 2:16 AM
That time I was trusted with a label maker.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
I respect cats because they’re the only animals that treat humans as they deserve to be treated… with contempt.
February 28, 2025 at 1:04 AM
I respect cats because they’re the only animals that treat humans as they deserve to be treated… with contempt.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
We’re just innocent men
February 18, 2025 at 9:49 AM
We’re just innocent men
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
Why did he have so many tamagotchis
Why did he have so many tamagotchis
February 14, 2025 at 3:16 AM
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
Why did he have so many tamagotchis
Why did he have so many tamagotchis
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
ME: (I unzip my fanny pack and pull out a smaller fanny pack) Does this answer your question?
GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS: I didn’t ask you a question.
GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS: I didn’t ask you a question.
December 1, 2024 at 3:44 AM
ME: (I unzip my fanny pack and pull out a smaller fanny pack) Does this answer your question?
GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS: I didn’t ask you a question.
GUY NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS: I didn’t ask you a question.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
You take something from every experience, I recommend you choose carefully.
January 10, 2025 at 1:38 PM
You take something from every experience, I recommend you choose carefully.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Bird flu? No shit Sherlock, that's what they do.
January 2, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Bird flu? No shit Sherlock, that's what they do.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Me: Is this your first time speed-crying?
Him: You mean speed-dating?
Me: [already crying]
Him: You mean speed-dating?
Me: [already crying]
December 19, 2024 at 6:17 AM
Me: Is this your first time speed-crying?
Him: You mean speed-dating?
Me: [already crying]
Him: You mean speed-dating?
Me: [already crying]
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
"Only one star"
⭐☆☆☆☆
"Only one star"
December 8, 2024 at 12:38 PM
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
"Only one star"
⭐☆☆☆☆
"Only one star"
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
HACKER: (looking through my computer) How many times can this guy search "nude Grimace," he's already naked.
July 19, 2023 at 5:39 PM
HACKER: (looking through my computer) How many times can this guy search "nude Grimace," he's already naked.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
ME: [in bank, holding stethoscope against safe door] As I suspected, this is dead
November 13, 2024 at 8:34 AM
ME: [in bank, holding stethoscope against safe door] As I suspected, this is dead
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
in your moment of greatest peril, every animal you ever swerved to avoid appears to fight on your behalf
December 4, 2024 at 12:05 AM
in your moment of greatest peril, every animal you ever swerved to avoid appears to fight on your behalf
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
(punching a ghost in the stomach) haunt this you piece of shit
December 3, 2024 at 1:13 PM
(punching a ghost in the stomach) haunt this you piece of shit
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
great, now I have imposter’s syndrome
November 26, 2024 at 4:15 PM
great, now I have imposter’s syndrome
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
i’m tired of self improvement can’t everyone else just get worse
November 24, 2024 at 11:59 AM
i’m tired of self improvement can’t everyone else just get worse
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
sorry i don’t follow back. following me is a huge red flag
November 14, 2024 at 5:35 AM
sorry i don’t follow back. following me is a huge red flag
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
November 12, 2024 at 12:12 PM
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
There are people who are trying to live longer on purpose.
November 12, 2024 at 6:18 AM
There are people who are trying to live longer on purpose.
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
Sources are telling me that the Harris campaign is considering an offer from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in which the maverick candidate would endorse her in exchange for appointment as Secretary Of Falconry. A potential complication: during the call, Kennedy mentioned unprompted that he "once ate a guy."
August 15, 2024 at 3:14 AM
Sources are telling me that the Harris campaign is considering an offer from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in which the maverick candidate would endorse her in exchange for appointment as Secretary Of Falconry. A potential complication: during the call, Kennedy mentioned unprompted that he "once ate a guy."
Reposted by Phil Jeffries
The Ford Escort was introduced in 1980 as a luxury version of the economy model Ford Dirty Hooker.
August 14, 2024 at 3:33 AM
The Ford Escort was introduced in 1980 as a luxury version of the economy model Ford Dirty Hooker.
Moonlit winter solstice walking the dog in the graveyard listening to Black Sabbath 🤘
June 21, 2024 at 7:44 AM
Moonlit winter solstice walking the dog in the graveyard listening to Black Sabbath 🤘