I thought I saw a severed foot under a car in the liquor store parking lot, but someone was attached to it. Life is disappointing.

They met on the bridge.
It was love at first sight.
He was an American.
She was a Pole.

Ironically, Mike was standing on B♭ when the truck hit him.

perpetrators of sesame street cookie heist set to be arraigned today

Do bras have those little bows so ladies know which is frontways?

411 operator: (heavy sigh) again sir, not that kind of information

Oh hey, check out this cursed thing that I originally thought was a mole.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out of the lobster tank*

Kid rummaging through ashtray: What happened to your change?

Me: I used it for the snack machine, so it became my exchange.

Kid: I'll be in my room researching how to become emancipated

CW: biopsy and pain. At risk of TMI, I'm going to be serious for a moment. The medical community seriously needs to find a way to make certain procedures less painful for cis women. This issue has been around for a long time and been in the news a lot but little has changed. Long story short, I

I'm telling ya, this dog is a strange little man

I’m not trying to make anyone jealous but my husband is really good at letting the dirty dishes soak

wow, all this existential dread on top of my own internal dread, life is truly a delight

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

How could we be expected to learn table manners growing up when we constantly saw Cookie Monster smash cookies in a crumb-flinging frenzy on public television?

When I’m feeling nonverbal it’s fine because I just reskeet the funny and thoughtful people

I’m kind of in a book club. My coworker read a book, tells me about it and I say Hmm, that sounds interesting.

Studies show eating three whole pizzas for dinner is way healthier than being eaten by a bear.

Can’t tell if I’m in a zombie apocalypse or if it’s just Monday. Everyone’s shuffling around, groaning, and dead behind the eyes.

Whenever anyone says something stupid my flanks shiver like a water buffalo who’s been shot with a tranquilizer dart before collapsing on a termite hill

The only monster under my bed I can't be friends with is Cookie Monster, for obvious reasons.

I'm in both of my moods again.

Top tip: never let the waiter get away with serving corked wine or stale bread, no matter how many times they argue that “I’m just a priest” or insist “you’re ruining the Communion service again!”

Is this a personal grudge, or can anyone join in?

Sometimes you don’t see what’s right in front of you, sometimes you see what’s missing, sometimes you eat spaghetti out of a big red bowl