Reposted by LST
my dad: [doing the walking up stairs behind couch thing]
the ppl that live in that house now: what the fuck
the ppl that live in that house now: what the fuck
December 7, 2024 at 3:40 PM
my dad: [doing the walking up stairs behind couch thing]
the ppl that live in that house now: what the fuck
the ppl that live in that house now: what the fuck
Reposted by LST
I love Christmas. It’s the one day I can eat like I’m on death row, surrounded by the people who put me there
December 7, 2024 at 4:14 PM
I love Christmas. It’s the one day I can eat like I’m on death row, surrounded by the people who put me there
Reposted by LST
My favorite Christmas song is “What Child is This?” because the title sounds like a person is pissed that someone brought a kid to their party.
December 6, 2024 at 1:53 PM
My favorite Christmas song is “What Child is This?” because the title sounds like a person is pissed that someone brought a kid to their party.
Reposted by LST
Make sure you bury my coffin near a bathroom because death is long and I'm sure I'll still have to get up to pee.
December 6, 2024 at 12:23 PM
Make sure you bury my coffin near a bathroom because death is long and I'm sure I'll still have to get up to pee.
Reposted by LST
Interview Tip: “The Betty Ford Clinic" is not an acceptable response to "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
December 6, 2024 at 8:55 PM
Interview Tip: “The Betty Ford Clinic" is not an acceptable response to "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Reposted by LST
Our bad you can have anesthesia please don’t assassinate us
-Blue Cross
-Blue Cross
December 6, 2024 at 4:00 PM
Our bad you can have anesthesia please don’t assassinate us
-Blue Cross
-Blue Cross
Reposted by LST
me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower
HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo
HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo
December 6, 2024 at 4:58 PM
me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower
HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo
HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo
Reposted by LST
doctor: lets test your reflexes
me: thats a regular hammer
doctor: then i hope theyre good
me: thats a regular hammer
doctor: then i hope theyre good
December 6, 2024 at 9:10 PM
doctor: lets test your reflexes
me: thats a regular hammer
doctor: then i hope theyre good
me: thats a regular hammer
doctor: then i hope theyre good
Reposted by LST
If I'm added to a family group text, I just throw my phone away and get a new one.
December 6, 2024 at 3:19 PM
If I'm added to a family group text, I just throw my phone away and get a new one.
Reposted by LST
One third of your life is spent sleeping
One third of your life is spent working
And one third of your life is spent waiting to skip ads
One third of your life is spent working
And one third of your life is spent waiting to skip ads
December 6, 2024 at 8:11 PM
One third of your life is spent sleeping
One third of your life is spent working
And one third of your life is spent waiting to skip ads
One third of your life is spent working
And one third of your life is spent waiting to skip ads
Reposted by LST
"Can I bum a cigarette?"
"Sure, but it'll work better if you put it in your mouth."
"Sure, but it'll work better if you put it in your mouth."
December 6, 2024 at 11:27 PM
"Can I bum a cigarette?"
"Sure, but it'll work better if you put it in your mouth."
"Sure, but it'll work better if you put it in your mouth."
Reposted by LST
IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.
ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?
INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT
ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?
INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT
December 6, 2024 at 10:57 PM
IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.
ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?
INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT
ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?
INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT
Reposted by LST
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
December 6, 2024 at 7:11 PM
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Reposted by LST
hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding
December 7, 2024 at 12:16 AM
hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding
Reposted by LST
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
December 7, 2024 at 1:02 AM
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Reposted by LST
Plato: what's your name?
Socrates: Socra
Plato: Socra?
Socrates: SOCRATES NUTS!!!!
Socrates: Socra
Plato: Socra?
Socrates: SOCRATES NUTS!!!!
December 7, 2024 at 1:06 AM
Plato: what's your name?
Socrates: Socra
Plato: Socra?
Socrates: SOCRATES NUTS!!!!
Socrates: Socra
Plato: Socra?
Socrates: SOCRATES NUTS!!!!
Reposted by LST
joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
December 7, 2024 at 2:28 AM
joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Reposted by LST
Imagine going to all of the trouble to whip it, but then not having the decency to whip it good.
December 7, 2024 at 2:35 AM
Imagine going to all of the trouble to whip it, but then not having the decency to whip it good.
Reposted by LST
Going to Walmart at 7pm is me clubbing these days
December 7, 2024 at 2:45 AM
Going to Walmart at 7pm is me clubbing these days
Reposted by LST
I hope when I die I'm either seen as benevolent or well-hung
December 7, 2024 at 3:41 AM
I hope when I die I'm either seen as benevolent or well-hung
Reposted by LST
Tried my hand at being a porch pirate without much success.
Probably because my parrot wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
Probably because my parrot wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
December 7, 2024 at 4:29 AM
Tried my hand at being a porch pirate without much success.
Probably because my parrot wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
Probably because my parrot wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
Reposted by LST
I lost my gag reflex by deep throating garlic bread
December 7, 2024 at 5:00 AM
I lost my gag reflex by deep throating garlic bread