Knottsferatu
@grumpa.bsky.social
Army Vet ⚔️🏴☠️🇺🇦
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
"What the hell did I walk into this room for?!?"
🚫No DMs🚫No MAGA🚫No crypto🚫
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
"What the hell did I walk into this room for?!?"
🚫No DMs🚫No MAGA🚫No crypto🚫
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
December 27, 2025 at 2:06 PM
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Imagine my disappointment when I learned that Boxing Day isn’t a day when you can punch people and get away with it. Send bail.
December 26, 2025 at 4:58 PM
Imagine my disappointment when I learned that Boxing Day isn’t a day when you can punch people and get away with it. Send bail.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Me: "I’ve brought a urine sample."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
December 25, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Me: "I’ve brought a urine sample."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Reposted by Knottsferatu
JOSEPH: *holding newborn baby* he’s a miracle
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
December 21, 2025 at 6:43 PM
JOSEPH: *holding newborn baby* he’s a miracle
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Cop: Have you been drinking, sir?
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
December 20, 2025 at 4:52 AM
Cop: Have you been drinking, sir?
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Reposted by Knottsferatu
ladies & gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look to your left you'll see the ground coming up really fast so maybe look to your right
December 17, 2025 at 6:03 PM
ladies & gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look to your left you'll see the ground coming up really fast so maybe look to your right
Reposted by Knottsferatu
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
December 14, 2025 at 2:07 PM
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me
December 12, 2025 at 1:08 AM
(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me
Reposted by Knottsferatu
“just be yourself”
well I did and now I’m medicated
well I did and now I’m medicated
December 11, 2025 at 6:19 PM
“just be yourself”
well I did and now I’m medicated
well I did and now I’m medicated
Reposted by Knottsferatu
The Great Pyramid of Giza is out of square by a few inches. We’re looking at you ancient aliens
December 12, 2025 at 5:06 PM
The Great Pyramid of Giza is out of square by a few inches. We’re looking at you ancient aliens
Reposted by Knottsferatu
rather than run the risk of inadvertently offending someone I insult people on purpose
December 8, 2025 at 7:38 PM
rather than run the risk of inadvertently offending someone I insult people on purpose
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Got tazed at the mall for shouting SLEIGH QUEEN at their Mrs Claus.
December 8, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Got tazed at the mall for shouting SLEIGH QUEEN at their Mrs Claus.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
It’s so cold out I actually drove my car to work using my nipples to steer.
December 5, 2025 at 2:41 PM
It’s so cold out I actually drove my car to work using my nipples to steer.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
December 5, 2025 at 10:10 PM
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
Reposted by Knottsferatu
My ancestors ate or used every part of the wonderbread loaf
December 5, 2025 at 4:31 PM
My ancestors ate or used every part of the wonderbread loaf
Reposted by Knottsferatu
How dare you underestimate the depths of my stupidity
December 2, 2025 at 3:09 PM
How dare you underestimate the depths of my stupidity
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Boss: Time to discuss the bottom line.
Me: You mean the crack?
Boss: You're fired.
Me: You mean the crack?
Boss: You're fired.
December 1, 2025 at 12:31 PM
Boss: Time to discuss the bottom line.
Me: You mean the crack?
Boss: You're fired.
Me: You mean the crack?
Boss: You're fired.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
for thanksgiving i want turkey pot pie
in that order
in that order
November 26, 2025 at 8:14 PM
for thanksgiving i want turkey pot pie
in that order
in that order
Reposted by Knottsferatu
If you assume that I am just that stupid then everything I do suddenly makes so much more sense.
November 27, 2025 at 2:04 PM
If you assume that I am just that stupid then everything I do suddenly makes so much more sense.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you push the start button.
November 27, 2025 at 10:21 PM
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you push the start button.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
In certain age you can't trust farts and feelings.
November 25, 2025 at 8:07 AM
In certain age you can't trust farts and feelings.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Like a phoenix risen from the ashes, I too have flown covered in soot and reeking of smoke, which I imagine is frowned upon even in coach.
November 24, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Like a phoenix risen from the ashes, I too have flown covered in soot and reeking of smoke, which I imagine is frowned upon even in coach.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
*sits backwards in a chair like a cool kid*
EXECUTIONER: wrong way.
EXECUTIONER: wrong way.
November 24, 2025 at 12:44 PM
*sits backwards in a chair like a cool kid*
EXECUTIONER: wrong way.
EXECUTIONER: wrong way.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
this mime is terrible at karaoke
November 20, 2025 at 4:59 AM
this mime is terrible at karaoke
Reposted by Knottsferatu
I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.
November 23, 2025 at 3:41 PM
I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.